Monday, July 23, 2007

Let's Take A Minute to Laugh at the Bible

It's Monday, and I have two papers due tomorrow and am pretty tired. So as I was sipping my coffee and talking to my four year old son, I was wondering what I should write about. After thinking a bit, I thought it would be easiest today (being lazy as I am today) to just write about some of the absolute absurdities in the Bible. Now, these are probably the easiest things for Christians to defend, as they can mostly use the cop-out of "Well, God can overcome physics" (or whatever other natural law is being broken) that many Christians use so often when they don't know how the heck to explain something ridiculous in the bible. My response to this is that why would God have created this supposedly (so say Christians) ordered universe, with all of its laws and mechanics, only to break them over and over? That makes no sense, but of course this is met with the other great Christian cop-out of, "Well we can't always understand God."

Real quick before I forget (remember, I'm groggy still), when I spoke a second ago about explaining what is not understood, it reminded me of the quote by Betty Sue Flowers, an American poet and scholar, in which she said, "God is a holding place for everything we don't understand." To me, this is one of the most poignant quotes I know of regarding god. If you really look at our history as race, and the way our philosophies and sciences have developed, you will see that the concept of a god was always simply something to explain away that which was not understood.

What is that flashing and pounding in the sky? God.

Oh wait, no it's just lightning.

What are those bright specks in the sky at night, and that huge bright orb in the sky during the day? God.

Oh wait, no it's just the stars and our star, Sol.

What shape is the world? It's flat because the Bible says it is.

Oh wait, no it's not, it's round.

The stars spin around us because God made us at the center of the universe.

Oh wait, no they don't.

Anyways, I could go on and on but you get the point I'm sure. I'll get back to what I originally started to write about.

So here are a few absolute ridiculous things in the bible.

The first one is great. On the third day, god makes the plants; however, it is not until the fourth day that he makes the sun! Without the sun, how are these plants, which require photosynthesis, supposed to survive? Some may say that a plant can live for a day without light, which is true, and I will give you that. On the other hand, remember that most Christians nowadays, especially Christian Apologetics, do not believe that these "days" were actual twenty-four hour days. Many believe that these days were actually ages of thousands of years. In this case, it is plain to see that the plants would not have lived. (Genesis 1: 11 and 14-19)

Later, in Genesis chapter four, we hear about Adam and Eve and their two children, Cain and Abel. You know, the ones where one killed the other because he got jealous about god liking the other one more? In any case, it is clearly stated that Adam and Eve have two children, Cain and Abel. Later, when Cain flees to the land of Nod after killing his brother Abel, he has children! How is this possible? Where did his wife come from, if Adam and Eve were the first people on Earth, and they just had two children, both males? I guess it is also funny when earlier, the bible says that Cain cried that "Every one who finds me shall slay me." (Genesis 4:14), considering there were only two people on the entire planet.

In the gospels, we hear Jesus say, "There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." (Matthew 5:29-30) A eunuch is a male that castrates himself for various reasons. That's right, it is good to cut off your penis, men. Remember, Jesus also taught in Matthew, chapter five, that you should cut your eye out if it causes you to think about sex when you look at a woman. Good thing our eyes never cause that to happen, right guys?

Here's a good one. In Matthew, chapter five, Jesus tells us not to swear by anything, or in other words to take oaths. "But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne" What's the first thing Christians do when they go to testify in court? They place their hand on the bible.

When Jesus walks on water in Matthew, chapter fourteen, Peter sees him, Peter tries to walk out on the water to Jesus. Peter, of course, sinks. Jesus calls him "thou of little faith" (Matthew 14:31). I guess if we have more than a "little faith" we could walk on water? Try it next time you go deep sea fishing. Let me know how it goes.

In Micah, chapters two and three, Micah says, "Woe to them that devise iniquity..." (Micah 2:1). A mere two verses later, he says, "against this family do I devise an evil" (Micah 2:3) Make up your mind! I mean, he's supposed to be a prophet, you know, a mouth-piece for god.

Oh, and remember, God will never allow good people to be hungry. Oh, and he will never allow the wicked to be wealthy. Hah! That's a good one. (Proverbs 10:3)

I hope you enjoyed today's lesson! Have a nice day. I'm off to do my homework.

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