Thursday, August 02, 2007

Oral Sex? Anal Sex? Feltching? Should Women Swallow? The Bible's Instructions on Sex.

Foreward One: Sorry today's posting took so long. I had a busy morning and then this article took quite a bit of research and time to write.

Foreward Two: Obligatory "If you possess traditional Christian viewpoints and tastes then this blog is going to offend the H-E-doublehockeysticks out of you so stop reading now."

Do you enjoy giving and/or receiving oral sex? Now, I can hear you already wondering why I am delving into this risque subject matter in a bible study. Well, it is because the bible teaches us, in more than one passage, that oral sex is not only enjoyable, but it is also suggested that giving your partner oral sex is a biblical commandment. I haven't actually researched it, but considering most of the bible was written thousands of years ago, I could say that the bible is probably one of the oldest texts that mentions sucking co---err...performing oral sex. We've all heard that the bible has tons of sexual references in it, so I figured I'd share some of them with you. It really does, all cliche's aside, make Penthouse Forums look very, very tame.

The first reference directly to oral sex within the bible is of course in the highly sexualized Song of Solomon.

"As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste." ~ Song of Solomon 2:3

To me, and I think to most people, the poetry here is rather simple. She is comparing her man to a tree, and she happily sits down "under his shadow" where she can "taste" his "fruit." This is an obvious reference to putting your mouth on your partner, and as she is low enough to be sitting within his shadow, I think it is safe to say that the most simple explanation (the one most true according to the laws of logic, and the one this author always applies to the bible) is that she is giving him oral sex.

Shortly thereafter, in chapter four, we see the following lines:

"How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices" ~ Song of Solomon 4:10

Here, the author (a male) is obviously referring to the scent of his lover and her "ointment." It is possible he is talking simply about her smell, but the word "ointment" makes me picture a type of fluid or excretion, and therefore it seems the writer is describing his lover's sexual organs.

"Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: A fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon. Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits." ~ Song of Solomon 4: 14-16

At the risk of going over the line and into the realm of the obscene, I must say that I have never read a better description of the scent of a woman's parts than "Spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frakincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices." Have you? If so, feel free to email me about it.

The last half of that passage is obviously about going "south" to "blow upon" the "garden" that those smells "flow out" of. Afterwards, what is the lover to do? The woman wants her lover to "come into" the garden that these smells come from. Going beyond things I've ever seen in any pornography I've ever seen, the woman then asks that her lover "eat his pleasant fruits." Not her fruits, but his fruits. I can only picture him...never mind, but I am sure you can imagine it. Re-reading this section again for the first time in about seven years is pretty shocking. It has to be the most (albeit veiled in poetry) obscene and fetish-like thing I've ever read or seen. The only reference I can think for this is the sexual practice of "feltching." You can look that word up on your own.

So there you go. I bet you never expected to talk about "feltching" in a bible study.

Now let's look at this passage from Genesis.

"And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also." ~ Genesis 38:9

Here, I should first say that the crime that Onan was slain for was not sleeping with his brother's wife. It was God's plan, according to the law of levirate marriage, Onan was to sleep with his dead brother's (he was slain by God also) wife. So the crime here was not sleeping with the woman, but in spilling his seed. We can infer, rather logically from this, that spilling seed is a sort of crime in God's eyes. Spitting is the same as "spilling." In another passage, the bible clearly states (Leviticus 15: 16-17) that getting "seed" on you or your clothes will make you "unclean" in the biblical sense of the word. Other "unclean" things include pigs and women when they are menstruating.

Numbers 5 :20-24, it could be argued, describes the way in which a woman will be punished after having slept with another man and swallowed his semen or "bitter water." Here a married woman is described as having slept with another man, and is cursed because of a "bitter water" that has gone into her belly. Is this a metaphor for semen? It isn't entirely clear, but it could be, and if it is, then one of two things happen.

"And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse:" ~ Numbers 5: 24

One, the woman passes out the semen and then the priest makes her drink it, or the priest himself makes the woman swallow his semen. We have this seed that is in her belly from the other man, and then somehow the priest "shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." A third option is that he makes her swallow the adulterous man's seed again; however, as this caused the problem in the first place, it is unlikely that this is the solution. The same goes for her drinking the priest's seed, and so it is likely that she has to somehow drink it after passing it. Afterwards, the priest takes the seed again and puts a handful of it on an altar and burns it.

Pretty dirty, huh?

So far, swallowing, feltching, and oral sex all seem to be good things in the eye's of God. Well what about the most well-known sexual taboo of anal sex? This is clearly taught as a dirty thing by the bible, right? I mean, what about Sodom and Gomorrah? Well, when the bible discusses anal sex as being a sin, it is only in reference to a man sleeping with a man. Nowhere does the bible condemn anal sex between a man and a woman. In fact, if you are "pure," anything you do is pure.

Unto the pure all things are pure..." ~Titus 1: 15

There are a number of references that could be implications that anal sex (or at least Doggy Style) is okay by God. Again, in the Song of Solomon, the male lover tells his partner to put him behind her.

"Draw me after you..." ~ Song of Solomon 1: 4

I should also point out here that often people think of anal sex as physically "dirty." When I think of all the minuscule things the bible takes time to mention as being unclean and abominations, such as mixed cloth in your clothes, it is hard to believe that if God thought the anus were dirty he would leave that out. After all, he made us, didn't he? If you believe that, then why did he make part of us "unclean?" I would argue (after the argument that he never even made us in the first place) that the anus isn't dirty. It's actually, from a biological standpoint, not as dirty as you may think it is.

As this article comes (no pun intended) to an end, I can't help but think of Titus 1:15. I think it explains how the Catholic priests justify sex with children. I mean, according to that, the best way to do whatever you imagine sexually is to become a Christian, right? is if you believe the bible.

Coming up - "What Does the Bible Say About Torture?", "The Bible - Instruction Guide for Genocide", and "The Bible is Against Marriage."

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